I think that I am finally ready to put my story out there. I need to put this early chapter in my life behind me so that I can move forward. Here it goes. I don’t think that anyone has actually heard the whole story except for Craig and of course those that were involved.
I was born in Topeka, KS and raised in Atchison, KS until the age of 13. We lived in a small home, on a brick street not too far from downtown. My dad worked in the foundry, which at the time was called Atchison Casting. My mom stayed at home. For a while things seemed okay, and then shortly after my brother was born it got pretty bad. Mom started having to go to the hospital because she was “sick”. I thought that meant that when she got back she would get better. She was acting strange and saying things that didn’t make sense. There would be times where I would beg my dad not to go to work because I didn’t want to stay home with mom. I had no idea if she would be herself or act weird.
There would be times where she would sit on the porch and smoke cigarettes all day. I would clean the house, fed and take care of my baby brother. I would look forward to times when school was in session because just for a little bit I could forget about my home life. Also, during this time I started going to daycare in the mornings and after school so that it would be less stressful for mom. I remember my dad waking me up at 5am every morning so that he could drop me off with a very nice lady that worked at the daycare. She would then continue getting ready, and then we would walk to the daycare when it opened. I would go to school, and then go back to daycare to be picked up by dad. I loved that daycare so much. There were so many people the genuinely cared about me. Sometimes they would stop by our house just to check on us and make sure that we had everything we needed.
My dad tried to be everything for our family. He was a very strong and good man. He tried as hard as he could to help my through her mental illness, but she never recovered. One memory that has stayed with me is one time my mom and dad were arguing. My mom was hitting my dad. He never hit her back and he kept saying to mom “I know this isn’t you”. “I love you”. He hugged her until she stopped fighting and they just cried and cried.
That same year my dad died. We were vacationing and I recently had learned to swim. I wanted to show mom and dad what I learned so as I was showing them what I learned I started to drown. I heard my mom screaming and my brother started crying. My dad not knowing how to swim jumps in and attempts to save me. I somehow make it to the side of the pool, but my dad is on the bottom of the pool. I can’t tell you how many times that has played in my head or the many nightmares I’ve had. About this time I was acting out at school. I would get into arguments and fights. One in particular I remember is a girl called me a name. I started pushing her until she fell against a very large bookshelf and it fell on top of her. Luckily she was not seriously injured, but it was decided that I would go into counseling. I was about 8 at the time. Doctors wanted to put me on medication, but I saw what the medication did to my mom (zoned out) and I wanted very much not to go through that. I continued counseling for a few years.
The next year things were even worse for our family. We had a house fire and my brother and I were sent to live in a foster home. About the fire. Wow.. It happened on Christmas day. I had made a candle at school for the holidays and I wanted to try it. I lit my candle and immediately lit our real Christmas tree on fire. I don’t remember what was going through my head. I went to the kitchen to get some water to put out the fire, but the fire had already consumed our living room. My brother, mom and I had to escape through a side door off of the dinning room. When the police and firemen showed up to the house I blamed my four year old brother because I knew that he wouldn’t be punished.
Again, I was nine years old I knew that it was wrong and I did it anyway. I am so blessed that my mom, brother and I are still alive despite my bad judgment. We got our house fixed, then shortly after we moved back in we were taken into foster care.
We spent five years in total in foster care. My brother and I were lucky that we were not split up. For the first few months we were put into temporary homes of people who were nice. Then we got placed into a more permanent home of a large family who had also taken in a couple of other children. To be honest, I hated it. I wanted to see my mom more often and live in our old neighborhood etc.. There were rules to follow, chores and expectations on how to treat one another. I learned a lot here! After a while I loved my foster family and still do. They helped to point my life in the right direction and I will never forget their teachings on making good choices. We had daily devotionals in the morning before school and we said prayers in the evenings. I learned more about God and how to read the bible. So grateful for a positive foster family experience. After a while I did get to see my mom more and sometimes I would stop by our house after school to see her even when I knew I wasn't supposed to.
My Uncle “L” and Aunt “E” lived up the street from my foster family and weekly I would go and visit them and then they would send money to pay for my piano lessons. Ah piano lessons..another activity besides school that I absolutely loved and excelled at. No one would have to tell me to practice I would readily practice anytime I could. I also loved to read. When I wasn’t practicing piano I was reading. I look back on that I realized that school work, reading and piano allowed me to focus on something other than my current situation. It was a freedom in a way. Needless to say I had very few friends at school. I either got made fun of, beaten up, or felt sorry for. I always felt like I never really belonged even when things were going well.
When I was 13 my other Aunt “R” and Uncle “E” who lived in Topeka wanted my brother and I to live with them. I couldn’t believe my ears. Someone wanted to care for both of us. There are the most kind, loving, honest people you will meet. They allowed me to really explore who I was because for the first time in my life. I could just be me and not have all of my past attached to me. I was more than just a daughter of Guy (who passed away) and Charlotte Hysten (who is mentally ill). I essentially started over in Topeka with a new school; I made friends and continued to learn more about God.
Let’s fast forward to now. I have an amazing family of my own (church family included). A great husband, a growing little girl and a life growing inside of me. I have made real friends who are with me no matter what happens. My adult life isn’t perfect, but I know that the things that I went through at a young age have shaped me in some many different ways. I feel like I have a better handle on what’s really important in life and what matters.
Through everything God has been there right beside me. He’s placed good people in my life. He's helped me make better decisions. He has done so much for me and those around me that I can’t even articulate it. I head a song a few months ago called Beautiful Things by Gungor. I felt like they wrote the song about my situation. For a little over half my life I had little hope that things would change or get better. Even in the mist of pain and sorrow there is still something beautiful there you just have to open your eyes. God can do anything. He turned my life into something beautiful.
All this pain..
I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth..
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.
All around,
Hope is springing up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in You.
You make me new,
You are making me new.
You make me new,
You are making me new. (making me new.)
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