Stuck and Disappointed

I did not weigh in today because I knew what the results were without looking at the scale. I am back to 255. I am very disappointed and angry at myself for not doing the things I should. God, I loved have those snow days, but it set me back. I have this way of being “good” at work, but when I am home all hell breaks loose. when I am at work I have a set schedule and multiple tasks so I don’t really worry about eating sugary and salty snacks. I need to find other healthy coping mechanisms to use when I am at home. I am sure there will be more blog posts on that topic.

 

In previous posts, I talked about food as a coping mechanism for my feelings and things that I am going through. I tend to hold back, sugar coat and compartmentalize my life depending on the situation or the people I am around. I learned to do this as a child because I didn’t want people to know the things that I have been through and it was just easier not telling so I didn’t have to relive each painful memory. I am dealing with this part of me. I have learned in some of the most agonizing ways that people can’t help you, cry with you, laugh with you, and understand you unless you let them in all the way. Well, here it goes…

 

For the past few months I have been experiencing this “stuck feeling” or “weighted down”. As of late I passed it off as pregnancy/breast feeding hormones like I had with Sophia, but I think there might be more. I honestly don’t know what else to call it. It’s like I am sitting in a room and all four walls are slowing closing in and no matter what I do or think I should do it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t get out. Some days it’s like  I am drowning in a sea of choices and I have to pick the right choice to survive. I used to have the philosophy that I can “fake it” and you “make it”. Meaning that the way I feel know isn’t how it will stay (think positive and it will get better). I haven’t seen a significant change in how I feel for months. There are days when all I can do to not completely lose it is to think about my husband and how much he needs me to soften the rawness of life and my kids and how much they need a strong mama. I also, think about all the people who are close to me and all the crazy/deep issues that they have been dealing with lately and how brave they are to share and I know that I am not alone.

 

My prayers have taken on an almost desperate plea to have God show me my next steps. Why am I here in this exact place in life? What do I need to experience or learn?