Ground Zero

Written a few weeks ago: I feel like humpty dumpty trying to put myself together after a big fall. Two weeks ago I took some steps to get me feeling like myself. I took a huge hit to my ego and I am now humbled and thankful to have a supportive husband, doctor and dear friends.

 

As most of you know I currently suffer from high blood pressure, which up until about two weeks ago was I thought was solely caused by the fact that I am obese. During a follow up appointment with my doctor she realized that my blood pressure was really high even though I am taking medicine and altering my habits. She said three words that instantly crushed me. “Are you okay?” At that moment all the tiredness, heart ache, loneliness, anger, disgust, failure, sadness flood out of my body. I couldn’t speak for several minutes and tried to regain composure because Langston was with me and I didn’t want to make him upset.

 

I have anxiety about change and making choices. I don’t sleep more than a few hours because my mind and heart are racing. When things are going on around me I can’t be in that moment. I am too busy thinking of all the other things that I need to be doing. Leaving the house with my kids or being  out in public with both is a whole other story. I have 911 on speed dial and think of ways to escape in case I am attacked or my children are threatened. A few days ago I had a bloody nose from hell out in public and couldn’t sit long enough for it to fully stop bleeding because I was worried that Langston might walk out the door or Sophia would have a huge tantrum.

 

I almost told the doctor that “oh, you know busy with work and two kids”. I knew that I would be lying and nothing would change if I denied there was a problem. I told her that I felt like I was having a midlife crisis. We then spoke about different approaches to try. We both came to an agreement that I should start taking an antidepressant. My first thought was great now I am going to have mental issues who suffers from schizophrenia and dementia. Then I remembered a talk about depression at my church. My pastor said that being on medication wasn’t a bad thing that it when used properly can help you be yourself. I wanted desperately to be myself again…